The kids and Drew are having so much fun outside with the hose! I can hear them when I went into the bathroom. I stood in the tub and I could see the kids. They are drenched, and laughing. U hear Terraine, “mom, come down here. It’s so much fun”! I can’t, my legs are killing me….. I’m scared to death I won’t be able to keep my job…
Tuesday I start my job. I’m kinda nervous.. I have never stood for 8 hours in the sun.. in Ohio. Yea Vegas was hotter, but no humidity rocks it every time. But on the bright side, I can wear what ever I want to, lol, doesn’t matter, ill wear a dog suit over it. I really do think this is a good job to come back to. One day a week, perfect! I wanted something to do, I wanted to get out in the world, but I don’t want to over exert myself, kinda like a catch 22. But this is good. The only thing that could by bad, I have to stand in a costume, for 8 hours. Well, Challenge Excepted!
My cat.. not fat, big boned and think skin, lol..
Today kinda got to me… Today, I sat down, and though about the stuff I did when I worked in Vegas.. I can believe I actually stood in one spot for 4 hours at a time! Wow, …wish I could do that now :-( I wish I didn’t sound like an idiot when the wrong words come out that I’m trying to say, when I can’t think of the right words, I wish I didn’t trip up when I talk! I feel like a ****ING idiot! I have worn diaper ever since I got back from back west. I can’t, …don’t have as much, better than can’t, Not that much control over the hosts way of getting rid of waste.. there, that epi.ss better then craping and Peru.g my clothes. :-( today…. Today is just a bad day. I didn’t even bring or to in councling today. If I dont address it, then it won’t be there :-/
I hurt so bad, I actually cried in front of Drew. He did the running around for me. I smoked, I latex in bed, and I laid down in the bath for a while. I hurt still. Ninja will not raise my pump, I can’t wait till the heat is warming me, instead of the Ohio climate freezing me. We still have a freeze warning.
Really? Tiff was in court a day after her birthday.. violation of driving privelages.. trial in May.. she got fired from the pain clinic. Longer smoke breaks, paperwork was not matching up, acting “not all there” at work. Why is history repeating itself…
My legs are hurting again, I think it is because of the cold weather. We just had a freeze warning… Thus is the third day, I think. I can feel the muscles in my legs, throbbing more than usual. I want to cry.
Drew and I were talking about the advance directive and stuff. Monday we are going to see his parents, and his dad can explain it to Mr and I’m going to interview Grandma for ancestory dot com. Neil, Rachel and Melanie all gave me opions on where they stood. Free wanted sine one to help him stick to the plan of my wishes. He didn’t know if I would put in a DNR, if he could stop them. He was hoping for someone else to make the call for him. I understand why. I don’t think I could do it either. Neil said he would stand behind Drew, Rachel, I think I fought off guard, but she said she would see it out and do it if Drew couldn’t, as long as I wanted it. WOW.. I just ran a seniero threw my head. It’s like, if I wanted to have a DNR after I starts going down hill or something, what would be in my future? Only me getting worse, my future a head of me could possibly be me in a chair in 10 years… Yea me. Understand its going to be hard.. I am in pain, I’m starting to lose it, I cry when to one is watching, it is so hard sometimes, …. I want me life back! I don’t want MS! I want my life before MS back! Only use a DNR if you can not give that back!!!!
Start the day at the massage theropist, then see Jacob, home, melanie came over, free went to work, Dilly and I went to dinner, geocaching, home.. yay! Rainy is in PA for the weekend.. Dilly is refeted to drew as Dad today… I just hope he understands.
